Living a Teenage Dream

Since coming home ive had a lot of things on my mind. Direction mostly.where ive been and where i want to go.How ive let fear control most of my life illudes me but im aware now that if i keep it up its going to lead to a dead end. A locked door instead of a wide open one. Ive always assumed it was shyness and perhaps it is, or that im too much like my mother or maybe that i dont have a strong enough backbone to stand up for myself enough, i dunno really.

I started having a conversation with someone about kindness, and she told me that it is hugely important to be kind. and since i have "Kindness" inked on my body she asked me to explore what my tattoo really means to me, other then being a very sweet quote.

 i had this quote in my head for years and i finally got it tattooed on my shoulder it reads 

"In the end only kindness matters".

And its not just about showing kindness towards others but most importantly yourself,

which i hadnt really thought about until now. Being kind comes in all forms,

whether its giving myself that extra 10 minutes to hit the snooze button or allowing myself to go after desires,and passions, getting what i want out of life. 

Creating art, sitting by the ocean, hanging out with friends, sending mail, adventuring. 

I keep putting these things off, but they are what fuel me, they keep my fire going, 

and without them i feel lost, and then i get sad.

So ive decided to be kind and give into my desires, and no longer hide behind my fear, 

cause that never really served anyone.

Be honest.
Speak from your heart.

Be kind to yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3-GiVIE8gc&NR=1

Roots Travel To The Sea

Ive finally made it back to Calgary for a quick visit and then im back to my east coast ocean home. Its been really nice being back so far, getting fed real meals, not having to cook and hanging out with my mama. Its an odd feeling being back, it doesnt feel like home anymore, all these new sky scrapers emerging, new sub divisions being built over night, no water. This place reminds me of my old life,the places i used to go adventuring, but ultimately i had to find my own way, pick up and leave start fresh somewhere new see what life has to offer me
I hope i can find what i came here for.

Its good to have seen my brother i was worried he wouldnt be okay after his fall but his life is starting to pick up again and he has a new demo. Its inspiring seeing him pursue his passion as much as he does.
I need to try harder this fall,cause it wasnt working right last year and shit has to change if im gonna stay happy for more then a few months.This is gonna be my lucky year 21. <3

Fly Little Broken Wing

Garage sale saturday i need to pay my hearts outstanding bills

-the weakerthans

I didntt get much sleep last night and i guess im kind of anxious to go back home, i always am. I wonder what will be different about me now, and what will  have changed with my family,my friends. Or will we be exacty the same, will i still be so nervous, unable to let my guard down?

Lately ive been having a hard time getting and staying happy. There are things that i want in my life but they just dont seem to be happening or working out. and i guess i just focus on that, the negative, the poor me,the im not enough, will it ever be? Its hard to unstick old habits.

I picked up a book from the side of the road and brought it home because of the way it smells... like an old mans library, and by the marks on the first few pages its traveled through several hands before finally coming home with me.Its been well loved.

Ive started having these mini panic attacks that last about 5-10 minutes and it just kind of feels like my heart might beat right out of my chest, and i see spots,which worries me even more cause i think ill pass out,but i never do.  these last couple months ive begun to get panicky over the littlest things, caffeine, alcohol, head rushes, ive always been nervous but never like this, maybe i should see a doctor when im home.

today all i wanted to do was curl up in kates lap and cry for a spell,while she told me everything was gonna be alright that its okay to feel this way , and things are gonna get better, its been over 5 years and her presence is still just as strong, and i need her just as much,if not more.

Dexter is my new favorite tv show ahhh soo good  i  highly recommend it to anyone, there is some gore but  dex is a good guy, well i  best head off to bed

Lay like a broccoli and eat my pumpkin cake

Today was one of those too exhausted to function properly kind of days, and when im tired everything seems to get thrown out of proportion. Today i wondered "what am i doing with my life?" and honestly i dont really know and that kid of freaks me out cause it seems like so many of my friends know what they want and are going for it and thats great but im still unsure; im just going to go with it for a while and try and be as productive with my time as i can but without putting any pressure on myself to come up with any great bodies of work or even anything to show for my summer.

I just finished reading catcher in the rye, hardest book to get through...ever but then the last 20 pages it finally all came together and now i absolutely love it. it really hit home and i guess its always neat to read a book from a male perspective, not always that of a womans.

Id really like to sew on a few patches to my jean jacket before i go home and hopefully i can make some dreadlocks with some of my girls this weekend, maybe have them for when i go home at the end of the month haha i guess we shall see anyways im frickin exhausted so im outty

 

All fires have to burn alive

Its 6 am and im wide awake. Is it because i can sleep in that my body suddenly feels like it hasnt enough time. I think its slightly unreasonable but im not the one in control anymore. Ive finally started to hang pictures up in my room and make my space feel more homey, and personal. 

I finished school as of thursday evening and now i have all of this time to myself.

 I can finally read all those books like catcher in the rye, and maybe learn how to cook cause thats always important.

But ultimately im just going to have time to work through some things that have  begun to come up again, im not really sure how to work thru them,or fix the things that have gone a rye but giving myself  time to grieve, forgive, and empower myself is a good place to start.

I often think about you, sometimes the illusion between reality and the dream world collide and im happy, happy being there with you until I open my eyes, and the illusion is gone. Then reality sets in and the other side of the bed is still empty and there are raindrops on my window pane.

If we are supposed to learn to be okay on our own does that mean we are always going to have lonesome hearts? and if so why?

so why couldnt relationships come easier to me,
why must it be a daily struggle?
and not just in the romantic sense but with everyone

I want something to be inspired about
I need something to inspire me to move forward and to be all I can be.

All We Can Do Is Keep Breathing

I dont even know how to begin.
Yesterday  was the anniversary of kates death.
A part of me died when she left, i guess i just never took the time to work through the shock , pain and sadness, of no longer having her around. Its been 5 years.I havent been able to get close to anyone since you left, even friends and family i still keep at a distance,i couldnt bare to go through that again. I keep myself well hidden and only reveal parts and pieces over time. I wish i had someone to talk to now, but no one seems to be around, or would want to hear about it anyways. Usually id end up calling my mother but shes away. I feel hollow and empty and totally uncertain of what the fuck im supposed to do next. This week is also pretty stressful with finishing my final projects for school. I really dont like weaving anymore, its just become a chore now instead of a relaxing, fun thing.My notebook still needs more time and i only have a couple of days which is making me freak out. All i can do is lie here in this bed and wish for things that come so easily to others, and fall back into my day dreams of far off places. Because at the end of the day thats how i keep breathing.

Your Fathers Old Leather Shoes

Ive been thinking lately about all the great things that im bringing into my life, but im still not fully confident in myself  i feel tall and okward, and just generally unsure of myself which makes things a tad more trying. Its been really great though because of these summer classes ive begun to feel more comfortable with my art, and i know that i can express myself in any shape/form and that is enough. Ive been attracting some really interesting people into my life, people that i can click with, which is cool.New NSCAD friends hurray!

I started my final weaving project which is a double weave, i made the mistake of measuring 48 ends instead of 24 so my weave became 14'' instead of 7''. So my color sequence is all off which is too bad, but i think it can still look pretty interesting rectangles and squares in purple,pink,teal,blue,red,and brown.

In my notebook class tonight we made invitations for our show coming up in july
which im thrilled about, my work is going to be in the ANNA!!! life is good.
well its late and i have a busy, sleepless weekend ahead of me,
wish me luck!