Fly On

Ahh nothing hits the spot quite like turkey dinner with good company.
this week has been so crazy and busy i cant waiit for midterms to be over so that i can finally feel like i have some free time. Its nice that i have an extra day off becuase of thanksgiving, hopefully i can catch up and maybe even get ahead.Today is a good day  not alot of things can distract me cause all of downtown is closed so maybe ill do my drawing and 2 presentations on artists for print class. and maybe some litho if im feeling keen.but i dont really know what im doing in that class huh could be interesting...
well im off to draw some poppies

Sometimes rain clouds last all year

Im told that this is normal to feel like this at this age.

so when exactly  is it supposed to stop

that the feelings come in waves and you just have to learn to stand up strong enough 

so they wont knock you down.

But they always do.

everytime.

what if im not strong enough to move forward, or ask what it is i need from people

we all just keep keeping on, dont we

believe

 and maybe the sun will come out again

Heart Aches Heart

Sometimes little hearts just ache

Like sore feet after a walk

I tried to rub it better

But my ribs got in the way

801 things

Ahh the last night of summer holidays... there are still about a handfull of things id like to have completed or even started before school starts, like embroidering my jean jacket or learning to long board. On the other hand i cant wait for school to start, all the people, the fascinating things i get to learn and just hangout with artists all day, yeah im down. Im hoping that this year ill be less shy, and make art thats really from the heart, and has depth and meaning. Last year it was more of an exploration into what the heck is art school? and what kind of art do i make? what? how? huh? I guess art is always changing and growing, so its hard to pin point what exactly one does, or should do maybe i just want direction with my work wanting to know where its going or what it wants to become but really i just want to find something i can be passionate about again.  

Ive been nervous the last couple days thinking bout the new semester ,
the initial meeting new people, and finding all my classes,
hoping ill learn some really rad things about art,
hoping no one notices my slight limp from my bashed up leg
clumsy camping adventures...tisk tisk,
but really why worry when i cannot predict the future.

But life is like a box of chocolates,
you really never know what your going to get forest gump
you really dont

Living a Teenage Dream

Since coming home ive had a lot of things on my mind. Direction mostly.where ive been and where i want to go.How ive let fear control most of my life illudes me but im aware now that if i keep it up its going to lead to a dead end. A locked door instead of a wide open one. Ive always assumed it was shyness and perhaps it is, or that im too much like my mother or maybe that i dont have a strong enough backbone to stand up for myself enough, i dunno really.

I started having a conversation with someone about kindness, and she told me that it is hugely important to be kind. and since i have "Kindness" inked on my body she asked me to explore what my tattoo really means to me, other then being a very sweet quote.

 i had this quote in my head for years and i finally got it tattooed on my shoulder it reads 

"In the end only kindness matters".

And its not just about showing kindness towards others but most importantly yourself,

which i hadnt really thought about until now. Being kind comes in all forms,

whether its giving myself that extra 10 minutes to hit the snooze button or allowing myself to go after desires,and passions, getting what i want out of life. 

Creating art, sitting by the ocean, hanging out with friends, sending mail, adventuring. 

I keep putting these things off, but they are what fuel me, they keep my fire going, 

and without them i feel lost, and then i get sad.

So ive decided to be kind and give into my desires, and no longer hide behind my fear, 

cause that never really served anyone.

Be honest.
Speak from your heart.

Be kind to yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3-GiVIE8gc&NR=1

Roots Travel To The Sea

Ive finally made it back to Calgary for a quick visit and then im back to my east coast ocean home. Its been really nice being back so far, getting fed real meals, not having to cook and hanging out with my mama. Its an odd feeling being back, it doesnt feel like home anymore, all these new sky scrapers emerging, new sub divisions being built over night, no water. This place reminds me of my old life,the places i used to go adventuring, but ultimately i had to find my own way, pick up and leave start fresh somewhere new see what life has to offer me
I hope i can find what i came here for.

Its good to have seen my brother i was worried he wouldnt be okay after his fall but his life is starting to pick up again and he has a new demo. Its inspiring seeing him pursue his passion as much as he does.
I need to try harder this fall,cause it wasnt working right last year and shit has to change if im gonna stay happy for more then a few months.This is gonna be my lucky year 21. <3

Fly Little Broken Wing

Garage sale saturday i need to pay my hearts outstanding bills

-the weakerthans

I didntt get much sleep last night and i guess im kind of anxious to go back home, i always am. I wonder what will be different about me now, and what will  have changed with my family,my friends. Or will we be exacty the same, will i still be so nervous, unable to let my guard down?

Lately ive been having a hard time getting and staying happy. There are things that i want in my life but they just dont seem to be happening or working out. and i guess i just focus on that, the negative, the poor me,the im not enough, will it ever be? Its hard to unstick old habits.

I picked up a book from the side of the road and brought it home because of the way it smells... like an old mans library, and by the marks on the first few pages its traveled through several hands before finally coming home with me.Its been well loved.

Ive started having these mini panic attacks that last about 5-10 minutes and it just kind of feels like my heart might beat right out of my chest, and i see spots,which worries me even more cause i think ill pass out,but i never do.  these last couple months ive begun to get panicky over the littlest things, caffeine, alcohol, head rushes, ive always been nervous but never like this, maybe i should see a doctor when im home.

today all i wanted to do was curl up in kates lap and cry for a spell,while she told me everything was gonna be alright that its okay to feel this way , and things are gonna get better, its been over 5 years and her presence is still just as strong, and i need her just as much,if not more.

Dexter is my new favorite tv show ahhh soo good  i  highly recommend it to anyone, there is some gore but  dex is a good guy, well i  best head off to bed