Who Knows Only Time

Ahh time how is it that so much has escaped me
i never really feel motivated to do what i aught to
now that i finally have some time to myself i realize DAMMIT!
i have wasted so much time, i dont like that i ended up here
but here is as good as any place to start
i just get so scared... thats always been my problem
stupid nerves man

I made several different prints for my final portfolio that say Its About Time.
and i feel like maybe now it is about time to get going
vamos

Pushing Daisies

why do you always ruin my high, it sucks that we cant talk about whats really going on
i need someone to talk to but you just dont get it
i dont think anyone does at this point,not even me
i am a puzzle with the pieces missing

This Side Of The Blue

 

I finally finished all of my printing, what relief

tomorrow after work i have to put my portfolio together, i hope there is studio space

ill post pictures when i get a chance, sunday perhaps?

 

2 days of school

and 15 more until i go home for the holidays

yahooo

 

id like another tattoo

sun & moon or pheonix wings

 

my dad is coming down to have supper with me , 

even though ill see him again in 2 weeks

sometimes its nice knowing someone is worried about you

and wants to feed you delicious food to make you well again

 

.Most days my heart aches

Most days its all i can do to get out of bed

Most days all i want is for love to replace my fear

Most days all i really need is to be 

snuggled.

I Sea

Give It A Listen

http://8tracks.com/analogical/to-make-a-bad-day-better

 

 

I have a week to finish all of my work, and then school is over a few days later. its exciting because i cant wait to go home but ive still got a whole month

i have little to no motivation left for this semester and there is 6 days

all i want to do is lie in bed

this sadness is so draining

its warm and safe and my blankets will always snuggle me tight

and hold me through the night

 The sunlight comes into my room like a kaleidoscope of colour its golden rays filtering through and lighting up my bottles,dyed fabric, and all the silly things i keep but never throw away

Im just learning at 21 its okay to ask for help

and they are called family for a reason

thank you for letting me lean on you 

in my fragile state

while i try to mend whats been torn

 Isnt this beautiful

 

Acceptance 

is still the hardest pill to swallow

ks i still miss you

especially today

you would enjoy this kaleidoscopic light

im certain of it

<3

We Can Only Go Up From Here

Its been awhile since ive written anything  and i figure even though everyday is a new start the begining of november just seems to have a nice ring to it, and now that midterms are over i feel like i can start fresh, or something.

So here it goes.

 

I finally finished The Artists Way, it somehow took me several months to complete the week 12 assignments and they are all based around worries and fears of going back into the world and making art. Am i good enough should i even be in school for this or wait a few years and then come back, am i committed enough, and frick is this even something i can make money at one day. I mean its all legit stuff. I just had my printmaking midterm on thursday and my profs were pleased with my work but still wanted me to push everything much further, and i worry that i dont know what further means or really how to push myself forward enough. I want to express emotion in my work yet im too timid when it comes to my art, affraid of scratching more then the surface.Maybe im just scared of what i might discover if i go deep. yikes a bee! what a dilemma

  When Kate left i never properly mourned for her, i just changed my surroundings completely i went to europe and then switched schools in the fall and just sort of kept going without looking back.

But her passing has affected every relationship ive had in the past 5 years. I havent been able to get and stay close with anyone not even my family, everyone is at a comfortable distance. Ive decided to start seeing an art therapist because well lets face it thats not healthy. And i cant move forward until i mend whats behind me.

And then maybe sadness will no longer follow me home

Fly On

Ahh nothing hits the spot quite like turkey dinner with good company.
this week has been so crazy and busy i cant waiit for midterms to be over so that i can finally feel like i have some free time. Its nice that i have an extra day off becuase of thanksgiving, hopefully i can catch up and maybe even get ahead.Today is a good day  not alot of things can distract me cause all of downtown is closed so maybe ill do my drawing and 2 presentations on artists for print class. and maybe some litho if im feeling keen.but i dont really know what im doing in that class huh could be interesting...
well im off to draw some poppies

Sometimes rain clouds last all year

Im told that this is normal to feel like this at this age.

so when exactly  is it supposed to stop

that the feelings come in waves and you just have to learn to stand up strong enough 

so they wont knock you down.

But they always do.

everytime.

what if im not strong enough to move forward, or ask what it is i need from people

we all just keep keeping on, dont we

believe

 and maybe the sun will come out again

Heart Aches Heart

Sometimes little hearts just ache

Like sore feet after a walk

I tried to rub it better

But my ribs got in the way

801 things

Ahh the last night of summer holidays... there are still about a handfull of things id like to have completed or even started before school starts, like embroidering my jean jacket or learning to long board. On the other hand i cant wait for school to start, all the people, the fascinating things i get to learn and just hangout with artists all day, yeah im down. Im hoping that this year ill be less shy, and make art thats really from the heart, and has depth and meaning. Last year it was more of an exploration into what the heck is art school? and what kind of art do i make? what? how? huh? I guess art is always changing and growing, so its hard to pin point what exactly one does, or should do maybe i just want direction with my work wanting to know where its going or what it wants to become but really i just want to find something i can be passionate about again.  

Ive been nervous the last couple days thinking bout the new semester ,
the initial meeting new people, and finding all my classes,
hoping ill learn some really rad things about art,
hoping no one notices my slight limp from my bashed up leg
clumsy camping adventures...tisk tisk,
but really why worry when i cannot predict the future.

But life is like a box of chocolates,
you really never know what your going to get forest gump
you really dont

Living a Teenage Dream

Since coming home ive had a lot of things on my mind. Direction mostly.where ive been and where i want to go.How ive let fear control most of my life illudes me but im aware now that if i keep it up its going to lead to a dead end. A locked door instead of a wide open one. Ive always assumed it was shyness and perhaps it is, or that im too much like my mother or maybe that i dont have a strong enough backbone to stand up for myself enough, i dunno really.

I started having a conversation with someone about kindness, and she told me that it is hugely important to be kind. and since i have "Kindness" inked on my body she asked me to explore what my tattoo really means to me, other then being a very sweet quote.

 i had this quote in my head for years and i finally got it tattooed on my shoulder it reads 

"In the end only kindness matters".

And its not just about showing kindness towards others but most importantly yourself,

which i hadnt really thought about until now. Being kind comes in all forms,

whether its giving myself that extra 10 minutes to hit the snooze button or allowing myself to go after desires,and passions, getting what i want out of life. 

Creating art, sitting by the ocean, hanging out with friends, sending mail, adventuring. 

I keep putting these things off, but they are what fuel me, they keep my fire going, 

and without them i feel lost, and then i get sad.

So ive decided to be kind and give into my desires, and no longer hide behind my fear, 

cause that never really served anyone.

Be honest.
Speak from your heart.

Be kind to yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3-GiVIE8gc&NR=1