All fires have to burn alive

Its 6 am and im wide awake. Is it because i can sleep in that my body suddenly feels like it hasnt enough time. I think its slightly unreasonable but im not the one in control anymore. Ive finally started to hang pictures up in my room and make my space feel more homey, and personal. 

I finished school as of thursday evening and now i have all of this time to myself.

 I can finally read all those books like catcher in the rye, and maybe learn how to cook cause thats always important.

But ultimately im just going to have time to work through some things that have  begun to come up again, im not really sure how to work thru them,or fix the things that have gone a rye but giving myself  time to grieve, forgive, and empower myself is a good place to start.

I often think about you, sometimes the illusion between reality and the dream world collide and im happy, happy being there with you until I open my eyes, and the illusion is gone. Then reality sets in and the other side of the bed is still empty and there are raindrops on my window pane.

If we are supposed to learn to be okay on our own does that mean we are always going to have lonesome hearts? and if so why?

so why couldnt relationships come easier to me,
why must it be a daily struggle?
and not just in the romantic sense but with everyone

I want something to be inspired about
I need something to inspire me to move forward and to be all I can be.

All We Can Do Is Keep Breathing

I dont even know how to begin.
Yesterday  was the anniversary of kates death.
A part of me died when she left, i guess i just never took the time to work through the shock , pain and sadness, of no longer having her around. Its been 5 years.I havent been able to get close to anyone since you left, even friends and family i still keep at a distance,i couldnt bare to go through that again. I keep myself well hidden and only reveal parts and pieces over time. I wish i had someone to talk to now, but no one seems to be around, or would want to hear about it anyways. Usually id end up calling my mother but shes away. I feel hollow and empty and totally uncertain of what the fuck im supposed to do next. This week is also pretty stressful with finishing my final projects for school. I really dont like weaving anymore, its just become a chore now instead of a relaxing, fun thing.My notebook still needs more time and i only have a couple of days which is making me freak out. All i can do is lie here in this bed and wish for things that come so easily to others, and fall back into my day dreams of far off places. Because at the end of the day thats how i keep breathing.

Your Fathers Old Leather Shoes

Ive been thinking lately about all the great things that im bringing into my life, but im still not fully confident in myself  i feel tall and okward, and just generally unsure of myself which makes things a tad more trying. Its been really great though because of these summer classes ive begun to feel more comfortable with my art, and i know that i can express myself in any shape/form and that is enough. Ive been attracting some really interesting people into my life, people that i can click with, which is cool.New NSCAD friends hurray!

I started my final weaving project which is a double weave, i made the mistake of measuring 48 ends instead of 24 so my weave became 14'' instead of 7''. So my color sequence is all off which is too bad, but i think it can still look pretty interesting rectangles and squares in purple,pink,teal,blue,red,and brown.

In my notebook class tonight we made invitations for our show coming up in july
which im thrilled about, my work is going to be in the ANNA!!! life is good.
well its late and i have a busy, sleepless weekend ahead of me,
wish me luck!

Me, The Artist and My Notebook

Under the guidance of 3 amazing women

i am starting to come back from that far distant disconnected place i was living in

Leslie Armstrong taught me to weave,

and to find beauty in a simple repetitive task,

to stay positive and that i can be successful at whatever craft i choose

Julia Cameron taught me how to write morning pages everyday and to have artist dates

Sandra Brownlee taught me how to create tactile notebooks, 

helped me discover what i love to do, 

how to let go of my judgement around my art,

how to just create art for arts sake,

observe moments and capture them,

and that i really do like to paint.

 i like to express thru textile

and do self portraits

Because well

im something special.

Standup Bass and Chocolate Shakes

My neighbors are playing blue grass on their porch; 

There is so much that has happened in such a short period of time

i just want to record it all, time seems to be going at hyper speed

there is always something that needs to be done and then in the spaces 

of freedom i just want to be with people and bug my roomies. 

Right now im taking 2 summer classes which have worked out 

to be so  much more then i could have hoped for. Both my teachers

are fascinating and artistic creatures and im so inspired by them.

Im taking weaving with Leslie Armstrong who is really helping me find 

my path in textiles and Tactile notebooks and the written word with

Sandra Brownlee who deals with more of the emotional aspect of creating

and just teaches us to make art for arts sake, because duh,

thats why im here after all. Well its late and i have work to do in the morning

but another night i will write more.